Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts

Monday, November 24, 2014

Living With Imposter Syndrome--Guest Post Live on Fictionvale!

The first mercy of impostor syndrome, in my experience at least, is that it isn’t constant. Instead it attacks at intervals, at moments of either my deepest despair or highest success.
Of course success attracts this psychological beastie’s attention: in the grips of impostor syndrome, my jerky brain is happy to dismiss any achievement as a fluke or a fraud. I’ve either tricked people into thinking I can write, or they’ve reviewed my manuscript favorably from pity for someone so pathetically incompetent. “Despite external evidence of…competence,” Wikipedia explains, I have been “unable to internalize [my] accomplishments.” Sure, I’ve managed to pass myself off as a writer—somehow—so far—but sooner or later, I know my luck will run out. I’m just one bad review away from dying of exposure.
You might think almost a hundred short fiction publications would serve as some reassurance that I’m either not a fraud, or I’m so successful at defrauding dozens of intelligent fiction editors that this con might as well be my calling. And sooner or later, I do decide that I might have something going for me after all. If not talent, still more elbow grease than sheer luck.
The problem is that nothing will ever make me officially, unquestionably a writer. There’s no shiny medal handed down by an omniscient judge. I majored in philosophy, not fiction, and I know enough MFAs who continue struggling with writer’s block to prove that’s no silver bullet, either. Nor is getting published—no short story, chapbook, or novel can scratch my deep-seated itch of inadequacy. Even if this work goes off well enough, what about my next story?
One thing’s for sure, when I’m in the grips of impostor syndrome I don’t dare slack on that next story. And here’s its second mercy: worrying that your ‘fraud’ will be discovered may inspire you to be a better writer.
read the rest at: http://fictionvale.com/living-with-impostor-syndrome/ 

Monday, February 10, 2014

One Year Later

I started this blog on February 9, 2013. Reading back over my first few posts, it's tempting to think about how far I've come since then.

Clever, hardworking college graduate seeks job...finds one? 

When I started Story Addict, I had just moved to Washington, D.C. for one last semester before graduation. Like most new graduates, I was concerned about making the shift to a young professional. To be honest, I still am. And I'm still feeling out the specifics. Over the past year, I have experience with the "grown up" workplace--I've worked as a Knowledge Management intern writing case studies that went to the Inter-American Development Bank, I've managed social media and offsite sales for a Fair Trade boutique, and I've learned more about the life of a social media, writing, & editing freelancer. Which I'm doing right now. I've found that I love the process of editing--and I'm really good at it--plus I enjoy the freedom of freelancing, being able to set my own hours and work on a wide variety of unique and interesting projects.

Currently I'm considering going for a copyeditor's certificate (while I can proofread basic grammar usage, I am primarily a word choice and developmental editor, and have not yet internalized Strunk & White nor any specific style guide). If I do choose to work as a freelance writer and editor fulltime--effectively leaving my DC job search in the nonprofit sphere--I'll probably move back to Wisconsin. There's no reason to sustain a Washingtonian cost of living when I telecommute. There are plenty of contacts I'll want to maintain--not to mention friends, who I will really miss. Part of the reason I've put off thinking seriously about moving back is how much I've enjoyed building a social circle in Washington. It's a delightfully geeky, brainiac social circle. But I have geeky friends at home, too, and I know members of my family remaining in Wisconsin would like to have me closer, especially after the difficult year 2013 was.

2013 was also a year of travel--my first time in a foreign country, as well as lots of hopping around to California, the Midwest, and one trip to Las Vegas (for a funeral, unfortunately). Keeping friends on every side of the continent will be earning me frequent flier miles in the future, to say the least, but I am really okay with that. It'd probably be the decent thing for me to start buying carbon offsets, though, after what I've learned about carbon emissions in the Washington Semester.

Writing and Crowdfunding

Hopping back to the writing: even as I interned this summer, I spent a lot of time focused on writing projects and communication. This perhaps should have been a hint. My two big projects of last year were crowdfunding campaigns, two of which earned more than $1,000 each--a charitable one through IndieGoGo, and crowdfunding for self-publishing the Starter Guide through Kickstarter. Then, of course, writing the Starter Guide. I've average about 150,000 written words a year since high school, and 2013 was no exception, but 97,000 of those words were in the Starter Guide. I wrote only a handful of short stories--but the ones I did write, I enjoyed extremely. Plus I did a lot more nonfiction writing than usual (unless school assignments count--and I won't have to do those again for a while!), including 74 posts on this very blog!

Meanwhile, I also dabbled in romance--under a separate name, as usual, which I try to keep disassociated from this one. This means as much as half of what I'm doing with writing happens "under the water," so to speak, and this blog is only the tip of a very deep iceberg indeed.

News on a Series of Series
When I first started this blog, it was partly to keep track of three (or four?) series of interconnected stories. All of these series are close to completion, with only a handful of stories left to go in each.

A Dark and Wonderful History still has 4 more stories to write--two more than I had in February 2013. The reason for the apparent backslide is that my concluding piece, "Sanction," was broken into two, with less pressure on either half (trying to combine shapeshifters, Fascists, a crumbling monarchy, minor miracles, and angels into one story was becoming strained). "The Imperial Engine" will be taking up some of the burden. I still haven't finished the Frankensteinean historical "Homunculus' Mother," either, and I now have on last story to fill in the gap that comes after "The Godslayer's Wife." Finally the Godswar will be told, by a woman who adds a refreshing perspective, I hope, to round out the cast of this series.

I finished one more story in Across the Curse-Strewn World--"For Lost Time," which was sold to Beneath Ceaseless Skies for publication sometime in 2014. Just this past month I've completed the third and final story, "The Grace of Turning Back." I still have two more stories, prequels of sorts, to round it out, plus a short/flash fiction taking place in the same world. Writing "The Grace of Turning Back" may have made me cry at a few points. Meanwhile, "For Lost Time" includes a journey to the Kingdom of the Dead, a nation in exile, and an entertaining digression on who people do and do not dance with.

I haven't gotten very far with Heart's Kindred at all, and the series is on a back burner for now. I did sell some of the completed stories in the series--"An Honorable Aunt" to Silver Blade and "Through the Father Range" to Alban Lake. I have one short story ("Uncle Ouvin") and two novellas to finish, all big propositions with many new and old characters and several crucial decision points for protagonists Rathan and Anweth. Plus, I'm not quite sure how to defeat the monster in "Ouvin" yet, even with the help of the two spymistresses.

A fourth short series, "Wizards Among Us" (as I've nicknamed my collection of stories setting "in this world or slightly askew"), received a bit of love as I reworked "The Family." I've also touched at wider worldbuilding issues for several individual stories. I may release the full collection in an ebook in a few years--time will tell. In 2013 I also worked on a number of science fictional stories and saw publications in venues like Daughters of Icarus, Perihelion, and Scigentasy. As I may have forgotten to mention, "The Astrologer's Telling," which received an honorable mention in the Dell Magazines Undergraduate Excellence, has been accepted for forthcoming publication from Daily Science Fiction! 

I haven't written any new stories in the setting of One Hundred Days (I do have one yet unpublished, "Close Study," which shows some backstory of a crucial character in the novel and introduces one character I just really like a lot). I did complete on-paper revisions, and am currently making my way through something like the third-and-a-half draft. This, I tell myself, as I do each February, will be the year I really, really finish it.

I did reprint a number of stories last year, and I hope to do some more in 2014. If you find any "dead links" in my Publications List, do send me a note and I'll amend them.

By the way, if you're interested in One Hundred Days, The Starter Guide for Professional Writers, or my short stories, you can arrange to get email updates on their publication status by asking to hear "When Your Next Book Comes Out" through my Newsletter.

Last but hardly least, I've made it to Level 10 in GetYeDone, though I've recently stopped listing minor tasks on the website in favor of tracking them on paper.




Thursday, January 23, 2014

For Everyone Misspelling My Name: Thank You!

Yet another misspelling--on an address label, of all things--has sparked this...let's not call it a rant. Let it be, rather, inspiration.

All my life, my name has been misspelled, mispronounced, and just generally misunderstood. Mispronunciations I can understand. In a quick conversation, the balance of probability suggests you were just introduced to Theresa, rather than a more uncommon variety. Given the sheer number of people who read Teh-rez in the French manner off my nametag, I'm even willing to conclude my parents just named me wrong (a soul-searching monologue on this topic delivered over dinner with friends at Chicago TARDIS received the sympathetic reply, "Yeah, Teh-rez isn't that hard to say, either!"). But I'll admit when people tell me they expected my name to be pronounced Teh-reh-say, I'm curious about what their linguistic background is, and even more curious about what they think mine is (as it happens, this potentially interesting discussion tends to end with the realization that we both share a cultural background, which is just sort of weird).

Misspellings, though, are weirder. Of course, the boy who wrote a valentine to "Trees" in second grade was just being phonetic. But when people, most of whom have never met me in person nor heard my name aloud, are writing emails to me, or social network messages, or copying my address down from an online order--in short, when they are in a position where my name is probably directly in front of them onscreen...


This may just be a sign that I need to clean out my inbox & folders more often...

I don't want to make this out to be a particularly big deal. It happens to many people with far more common names than mine, it happens far more often to people whose names are even less common, and it doesn't actually impact my quality of life. Nobody is doing it with malicious intentions.

Still, especially when I was younger, I'd feel...not hurt, but perhaps a bit slighted. And perplexed. The thing is, as a natural introvert and a very shy young lady on top of that, I have been known to work drafts of emails for hours or even days, sweating over each sentence and rereading the To:, From:, and Subject lines until my vision goes blurry.

And in contrast, here was someone who seems not to have as much as double-checked my name.

I now understand things a little better. I understand that when your inbox has fifteen or twenty (or god forbid, even more) emails that all require prompt replies, the most well-intentioned people will use a little less scrutiny than required for perfection. Communication will be sufficient, but not ideal. Mental shortcuts are made. Fingers slip on the keys.

Certainly, I myself have wound up calling Erika, Erica, and addressing the wrong Sara/h and Elis(z)abeth.

It's very comforting to know that I can, and it's not the end of the world.

And I can be reassured by the fact that I am sinned against as much as sinning--I've been on the other side of a malapropism in address, and I survived, and my good opinion of the person addressing me has (usually) remained intact. Failing that, perhaps forgiving those who trespass against my name will earn cosmic brownie points, and forgiveness for my own trespasses in turn.

In short, it gives me the guts to risk slipping up.

In a related bit of perspective (collecting doses of perspective is a hobby of mine, it seems), the Economist reports that internal research by Hewlett-Packard reveals that most male jobseekers will apply for positions even when they meet only 60% of the stated requirements. Women, who are more calculated--perhaps overcalcualted--in their approach, only apply for more complete matches. Sheryl Sandberg, as quoted in the article, thinks this is a way in which women are held back in business. I don't disagree--part of me wonders how many men are actually hired with 60% qualifications, but then that very part might be the questioning, doubt-hampered alter ego that holds me back myself!

But again: I can be baffled by these foolhardy average male jobseekers, or even irritated (as I'm sure somebody in human resources is). I could become quite jealous--even if they're not getting jobs, they are probably enjoying other fruits of such self-confidence. Instead, I shall choose to feel inspired. We can all be a little less neurotically careful, and more open to important opportunities.

Speaking of which, last week I submitted my resume and had an interview with a staffing agency in downtown Washington, D.C. Before the day was over they'd submitted my resume (with a few typos caught and corrected) to a temp-to-hire position in publications. No word has come back yet, but I already feel much better to be working alongside some professionals at finding jobs I'm suited for. I guess there are multiple cures for confidence-undermined-job-seeking-blues.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

We didn't choose the Folklife, the Folklife chose us--and other updates

So I'll start with the sad news, because the past two weeks have been tough: I got to visit Las Vegas for the first time, but under some of the worst possible circumstances. My uncle living there passed away and I went to attend the funeral and visit with my cousins (and also some immediate family members--we welcomed the chance to offer face-to-face support after certain recent events, which I might add are completely unrelated to this funeral. Troubles never come one at a time).

Sad as the reason for our visit might be, it was amusing to drive down the Strip with my mom and aunt, who tried to remember the place as it had been decades ago when they visited their sister--I only know the place from TV and felt like I recognized more than they did!

A forest fire is currently raging in the mountains, so we got treated (if that's the word) to the most appalling skies gone yellow with smoke. In the Midwest that would be the sign for a tornado. I'm not sure forest fires are much better--there can't be many trees to burn out there. Plus my last semester of college taught me just enough to know that trees are carbon storage devices and thus burning them is bad for multiple reasons. Although compared to the city of Las Vegas, the carbon released by burning forests can't be that impressive.

Las Vegas reminded me half of Hollywood (there's a certain sort of atmosphere, 'touristy' doesn't even come close to describing it--I live in DC, I get touristy, but this is aggressively, loudly, capitalistically touristy) and a surprising bit of Ghana, with the tropical architecture and the heat. If anything Vegas felt hotter, and also drier than any atmosphere I've ever stood in. I'm used to humidity, so that the lack of it felt unsettling.

Speaking of heat, I enjoyed (again, if that's the word) the experience of nearly blacking out this past weekend while waiting in line for water at the DC Folklife Festival. Scary and embarrassing. Despite that, I'm very glad I went and got to hear Kalmyk music and see the Hungarian fashion show. It reminds me though, to keep hydrated in urban environments as much as in the desert.

Blogging will hopefully be less interrupted in the future, as I have plans for, if nothing else, some more book reviews. I've had the chance to work on my reading list while waiting in airports. I got to gamble a bit in the Las Vegas airport but neither won nor lost any impressive amount. Although I did have my Swiss Army Knife confiscated when I forgot to put it in my checked luggage, and now I have to wait for it to be mailed to me. Nor was the TSA through with me--when I opened my suitcase I found their calling card. Well, I hope they took a peek at the copy of Aqua Vitae lying among my undies and consider buying a copy ;D.

Speaking of books, the Kickstarter for my Starter Guide for Professional Writers has met its funding goal, although the campaign continues to run until the end of July. I'm on track to have the revisions of the book complete by then, although if I've learned anything these past weeks it's that nothing is actually predictable. It will certainly get done, though. And even when editing my own manuscript becomes a drag, I'm looking forward to the chance to read and offer feedback on the manuscripts I'll be reviewing as a reward for my funders! They'll provide some escapism from my own preoccupations, plus I'll have the chance to live vicariously through talented new writers. So double escapism. Better than a weekend in Vegas.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Dancing Memorials

Yesterday my blog post was about getting a dose of perspective. It came before events that offered yet another sort of perspective...and pushed me to work on this post, which has sat in my drafts for over a month now.

There's a story I'm not certain I will ever be able to write. The title is "Dancing Memorials". For a time I thought of it as science fiction, because everything I write is science fiction or fantasy, but then I stopped thinking of it as a story that needs genre and quickly it came to deny any classification at all. I'm not sure it's even a story, so much as a prose poem or, what is strangest and probably truest, a reflection of the ideas within its own text.

He first saw her dancing around a perpetual flame, the oil lamp that burned marking the mass grave of a nation.
(It hadn't begun as performance art. It was more like a breakdown, madness. Or divine inspiration.)
She had danced for the fist time at a memorial where stones marched in endless rows, each marking the death of one or ten or a hundred. The stillness had threatened to seep into her bones, and so, in protest, she danced. She could not bring them back to life, but she danced for them. She could not take the weapons from the killers' hands and shatter them--her slender, small body lacked the strength, for one thing, for another, it was not bulletproof, and lastly she was too distant in time and space for any physical impact--but she poured her energy, her anger and her pain into beautiful patterns shaped with her living body. 
She danced in gas chambers, in battery factories with blood still staining the brick walls, in a public square until the police asked her to stop, in fields of high grass where her steps trod on half-buried bones. The dance was not of victory or defeat; it was beyond both.
She danced so that, though people went and bled and died, still there would be dancing left in the places their eyes had closed on. It was disrespectful, some said. Why? she asked. Because joy was out of place. Is my dancing really joy, she asked, and then, is there a better response than joy in the face of evil and death?
He followed her. Watched every interview--distant when she spoke of family or friends, or the job she'd tried to hold until sponsor donations enabled her to quit. Sometimes musicians followed her, and she did not tell them to go away but she didn't dance while they played, either. She came to places when invited, but usually her destinations were her own choice. Some she visited more than once.
He read about genocides. About the forensic archaeologists who opened the mass graves and sorted through the bones, learning their stories: of heroes, of victims, of lovers that died together. 
Once he'd thought of becoming a journalist. He spoke to one--interviewed him--and was told, you have to believe in a higher power to do this job and survive. The forensic anthropologists must believe in one, too.
He didn't. At first he wondered why they bothered. The victims were dead, what did it matter?
Yet it did. Their killers could not keep them hidden in the ground, forgotten. Their families could bring them home. It did not defeat the killers, though it undid as much of their work as could be undone; it was not victory, it was something beyond all that. More than a matter of moving around dead bones. It transformed them, made them human again. Like the touch of a higher power.
Her dancing brought not closure so much as transcendence--not ignoring tragedy, but answering the unanswerable by side-stepping it, almost with a non sequitor. But not completely, since her response stemmed directly from what she confronted. If it was any less terrible she would not have danced so beautifully.
In a cave, where the echos of gunshots and ricocheting bullets had splintered the stone and the shadows still held secrets, he joined her in dancing for the first time. As was inevitable, he realized now: his every step had led to it. 

The dancer in the story responds to genocide because it was in response to learning about genocide that I began it. I started the night of an educational forum on the topic of peace and reconciliation in the wake of the Bosnian genocide. The cave was the location of a massacre and, years later, a concert. The battery factories do exist, and the blood is still there. I don't think anyone has danced in them, but it's possible.
The forensic anthropologists exist as well. The ones I had in mind were working in Latin America, but while in Ghana I read an article about mass graves being uncovered in Cote d'Ivoire, records of post-election violence. The journalist and his advice are also real.

I wrote the above outline, in a somewhat less organized fashion, on the night of the forum and then let it lie aside for over six months. What brought it back to me was another meeting of the same group that had brought me to the forum (the Plowshare Center of Waukesha, dedicated to advocacy for peace and justice). It opened with a reflection on "Music and Peace," an excerpt from John Paul Lederach's book, The Moral Imagination. We read about a cellist who played in the marketplace of Sarajevo for 21 days after a bombing there killed 21 people. He explained that he just did it because it was "what needed to be done."

Things had come full circle, then, from the story of a concert in the Bosnian cave which had led me to write about Dancing Memorials in the first place. I'd wondered how those musicians had thought about what they were doing. Here was one who gave his reason--transcendentally close to no reason at all.

It all comes to the same thing--the musicians, my fictional dancer (and perhaps even the journalistic pursuit of the character who follows her), and perhaps in the humblest way my own writing of it. A creative impulse comes up in the face of massive tragedy.

It may be an effort to heal, psychologically and psychically. The experiences that triggered my reflections here were both mediated through a woman who examines the use of art therapy for healing and peacemaking, especially among children. But not only among children. Warrior Cry is a volunteer organization that helps wounded soldiers with their recovery by teaching them to play musical instruments (I first heard about the nonprofit through my inclusion in the charity anthology Battlespace, proceeds for which are donated to Warrior Cry. My story in the anthology, Ayema's Fleet, is about recovery from trauma, if not through the creative arts exactly, through something like imagination and something very much like love).

But I think there's also an element of what comes out in Dancing Memorials: a protest. Futile, ultimately, but ultimately all responses to tragedy on this scale are futile.

There's also creative work serving as a memorial. Yet I'm not satisfied with my own explanation here: what exactly goes into memorializing something? Grief, and often horror or awe (it comes with the scale, I think). An attempt to ensure something or someone important is not forgotten. Sometimes I fear if there is no danger of the memorialized subject being forgotten, a memorial work appears to be piggybacking off their larger fame, becoming exploitative. That may be why, even when writing a prose poem for my own personal contemplation, I named no names: none of them are my tragedy to memorialize or my story to write. Perhaps if I dedicated more time into research and thoughtfully depicting them it would be acceptable, but as it stands, I don't quite dare to make the story anything but a fantasy.

There's one last use of creative work in the face of tragedy: escape. Or escapism, which as China Mieville once powerfully pointed out is not at all the same thing. That's hardly the fault of creative art. At least it provides us with breathing room, with a space of peace and quiet to wipe tears and stitch up wounds. Discussing the toll a visit to the Holocaust museum in DC had taken on a friend of mine, I suggested I should make it a hobby to stand outside the museum with a "Free hugs" sign. Another friend volunteered that whenever she visited a particular Holocaust museum (I believe it's the Breman one in Atlanta, given the location) she would end the afternoon by stopping by a museum of puppetry arts. I don't think it's disrespectful to the victims to take one's mind off their suffering by looking at cute and amusing puppets. It may be a requirement to keep stable and mentally healthy in an unstable, unhealthy world.

Last night, as students in my dorm floor sat in the lounge watching the news out of Boston, I brought my Plushie Eighth Doctor, handmade by one of my dearest friends, along with me. The news was not the sort of thing to be watched without hugs on hand, and I was sure to share him around with others who seemed like they needed it. It helps, perhaps, that I associate my plush with a number of things--my friend and one of my favorite fictional characters, one known for saving the day--that give him almost an aura of personality (of course, I've always made my stuffed animals rather lively. Perhaps it comes of being a chronic story teller and character creator. My entire family does it). Having a created person to lean on along with real ones can prove strangely helpful in times when no real person is completely able to offer selfless support, needing to look after themselves (I was the last person left watching the news, until I was finally able to tear myself away).

Art can help us look away from terrible things. It can reveal to us things that aren't terrible; that are even the opposite. It can create the surface appearance of a world where unimaginably horrible things do not happen, even if perhaps nothing on earth can keep unimaginably horrible things from happening in this world.

Because I'm not certain anything can. Domestic terrorist attacks, murder, war, are things that have been happening at every point in history and in all places. As much as I'd like to make them out as the symptoms of a particular culture (and I do think Americans as a whole have an extremely unhealthy fascination with guns and explosions, although the worldwide success of summer blockbusters with heavy firepower suggests it's not unique to us) that can then be 'cured', I look around and find them frighteningly prevalent. The day of the Sandy Hook tragedy the Internet was buzzing with news of a similar attack by a knifeman in China--not occurring at the same time, as it happens, but concurring nonetheless. The fact that there were no fatalities in the Chinese attack had more to do with weaponry than motivation. And there's no controlling the motivations of others.

There's still oneself, though, and one's own stance. Which must include a protest against malice and violence and evil. The protest doesn't need to be in the form of a creative work--perhaps it doesn't need to be outwardly expressed at all. The day of the Sandy Hook shooting, I went Christmas shopping. I took special care to select the best gifts and included a few people on my list I might otherwise have overlooked. Consumerism is not perhaps the most creative response, but gift-giving is psychologically healthy, and being consciously generous allowed me to voice my own rejection. There might be hurt and wrong and evil in the world, but so far as I can help it, it will not come from me.

It can be hard when, amid the grief, there's also anger. When there's a need to lash out at something, to attack and fight back. Perhaps that's the best time for creative responses, and why they're so popular among peacekeepers and peace builders. There might be evil in the world, but it will not begin with me; I will not respond to violence with violence; in the face of violence, I will bring forth a dance instead.

EDIT #1: Waukesha, the place where I went to college, where the Plowshare center is located and operates on its mission of peace, and the city where my sister is student teaching, had a lockdown of its downtown area (including the college, my sister's middle school, and the Plowshare center's row of shops) because of a gunman roaming. He's since been arrested and the lockdown is over. No shots were fired. I spent most of the time communicating with my sister through Facebook. She's okay, and I've called my parents to pass that on.
I think I may write a story tonight.

EDIT #2: Strangely, I just recalled that I have written a short story along these lines, about a creative response to destruction. Its title is "Sibial' in Exile" and it's slated for an upcoming issue of Neo-Opsis Magazine. I wrote it as my cousin was dying of cancer, almost two years ago--late March 2011--and before  I joined the Plowshare Center. I think it was my characters' decision then to confront loss with art (rather than me deciding it would be a story about that), but of course, their choice paralleled my own.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Three doses of perspective

In order to make up for internship days missed while in Ghana, I worked 4 days last week instead of the usual two (class being canceled). Not only did I have plenty to catch up on, this was the week I also got to visit some consultations with my supervisor and join the other office interns for a personal sharing workshop--the kind of thing you only can get at an internship in the creative arts!

Three statistics stood out this week and offered a healthy dose of perspective to my young, impressionable, jetlagged and end-of-semester-stressed mind.

1. I haven't found a source online to back this up, but I've heard the average worker gets only 3 hours of productivity out of an 8 hour workday. This made me feel much better about my output this week, even when jetlag left me stymied at the idea of a simple flowchart. More, this is average productivity, so for every one of you reading this and snorting disdainfully at such lazy slobs (...anybody?), there's someone putting in less than three hours. I mean, I know Facebook can be a time suck, but really?

In any event, make it your goal to get at least 4 hours of work done, and it looks like you'll be above average.
(I have days where I put in at least 3 hours on my writing, much less jobs I'm being paid/receiving academic credit to do. Then again, I've found desk jobs way more than service or retail offer a temptation to sit at your desk and browse the web. Because if you're not at a desk job, you have little choice but to work. I'm looking askance at anyone who says teens and people without college degrees are lazy workers.)

2. My supervisor and I met with a marketing consultant to bounce ideas around about planning the promotion of her novel, currently out on submission as we build up and display her platform.

He was a very interesting person, asking all the right questions (as a beta reader, I got interrogated while she watched us. She was impressed at what I managed to remember, and we had interesting areas of agreement and also differences in how we viewed the plot and thematic goals of the story). He's also a former lawyer, now searching for a job in marketing/social media/promotion. At this stage in his job search, he's realized keeping the record of his decade-plus stint as a lawyer is just holding him back, distracting interviewers and raising the wrong questions. "If they'd ever worked as a lawyer, they wouldn't need to ask why I left it to do this," he told us.

So he deleted all evidence of his law profession, wiping it from his resume and LinkedIn and asking friends not to bring it up.

As someone who just had to delete things from her resume for the first time (part-time jobs can only do so much, and I've found that some of my experience, as with the consultant's legal work, just becomes a distraction in light of which positions I want to pursue) this was a relief to hear. When you're only in your twenties, spending six months at something is a huge deal, and it feels frightening to take that off your record. Will human resources look at that empty semester and question what I was up to? These experiences seem so precious that it's strange to think that, for once, I have too many of them.

3. For the writers out there: during our 'learning & sharing' workshop, I told my fellow interns and supervisor more about my writing career. It's amazing the things you remember only as you start talking about them. I remarked how at one point, the writer's market database Duotrope refused to accept my reports for its statistics because my acceptance rate--at 20%--was too high.

"I'm telling that to my students," announced Zahara, who also teaches technical writing at the University of Maryland and prose at the Writer's Center of Bethesda.

I suppose that with one of my key occupations never bringing me more than one yes in five (and lately, shall I say Duotrope has found my reports far easier to swallow), I've grown a thicker skin than I realized. It's true that when I find newbie writers who are terrified of getting rejection slips I find it endearingly green of them.

So. If you're getting 4 hours of work done a day, you're above average (though I would not stake my job on this--maybe the occasional day, yes. Especially with the aforementioned jetlag). If you took the bar exam and built a career for fifteen years and it no longer serves you, chop it out. Even more so with that time in fast-food, I suppose (I'm keeping my retail stint for the time being because it's where I developed the bulk of my experience with direct customer service, handling money, and answering phones. But it'll be the next thing to go once I find another position that incorporates any or all of those skills). And if you're getting more than one 'yes' in five, you need to aim higher if you can. You certainly aren't doing badly. If you're getting one yes in five hundred, you're not at all a failure. After all, you're getting a yes.

Friday, April 12, 2013

List: What's surprised me most about Ghana

When I was younger, and I wasn't sure what to write but I knew I wanted to write something, I would make lists--to keep my thoughts in order, to generate some brainstorming, to summarize or highlight my ideas.

I have a jumble of ideas and memories from Ghana, so one way to sort them out--and give a preliminary taste of my trip--is to give you a list. A list of the things that most surprised me on my first trip abroad:

*The Handshake. One of my classmates had spent the previous semester in Ghana, so at the beginning of the year we asked her to share some of what she'd learned and done there. She introduced us to the handshake, which starts as an ordinary firm handshake. However, as your hands part, you trail your fingers against the other person's and then 'snap' their fingers with your own.  Now, I cannot snap my own fingers, much less anyone else's--though I'm happy enough to let somebody snap my fingers for me. Still, this seemed like such an unusual sort of greeting for me that I'd assumed it was something for the young, hip generation only. Instead, everyone I met in Ghana--professional speakers, community leaders, schoolchildren, businesswomen, craftspeople in their workshops, operations managers in their offices, mothers with babes in arms--used this handshake. At best I managed with a sheepish smile and an attempt to at least slide my fingers across theirs like I was striking a match. They seemed to forgive this inadequacy of mine with great generosity.

*For the past five years my professor has brought a class to Ghana, and each time in Accra they would find the huge, gorgeous presidential palace unoccupied. One of the first things we learned this year was that the new president has moved in after the recent elections. Opinions on this seem mixed--the building is no longer going to waste, but one of our taxi drivers commented acidly that it was just 'Too big' and gave the impression that he wished it would all just go away. While reading the paper one morning I found an editorial article that discussed the prospects of the palace's future inhabitants being "the first lady or even the first bachelor or first spinster," and found that last rather admirable. The United States hasn't even entertained the thought of electing a spinster (nor for that matter is our record on bachelors particularly rich).

*Another surprise, even a shock, that came near the beginning of our trips was news of the death of Chinua Achebe. I'd just read Things Fall Apart and No Longer at Ease this semester. This discovery, plus my proximity, appear to have finished off a literary giant. My discovery and admiration did the same thing for poor Elizabeth Sladen. In any event, the fact that Achebe died while I was in Africa is one of those things I'll be talking about for the rest of my life. Now that I've returned with a better appreciation of the context, I'm working my way through the African Writers series he edited.

Interestingly, I also had the opportunity to try the kola nut Things Fall Apart mentions so often. It came when we greeted a chief and were welcomed to his village. Kola tastes, for lack of a better term, nutty but with an edge of bitterness. A bit like water chestnut and wood varnish. It's also supposed to contain high amounts of caffeine, although I don't recall feeling a buzz. Yet again, soon after I went out and carried a bucket of water on my head, so maybe I was under the influence of a stimulant (to be fair the bucket was only half full, and I did a very poor job of carrying it).

*Accra. I wasn't quite prepared for Accra. To be fair, I'm not certain anyone could ever be prepared for Accra. The city is huge, and hot, and a hodgepodge of buildings--old, new, under construction and falling apart, rich houses with gardens behind barbed wire topped walls and with sheds at their backs and shantytowns around the corner--and street vendors, pedestrians, motorcyclists, and larger vehicles, and there are few street signs and virtually no numbered addresses. My teacher has been going to Ghana for five years, has built longstanding relationships with people of all walks of life there including guides and policymakers and history buffs, and she has never seen so much as the suggestion of the existence of a map of Accra. But I'd especially like to repeat that "no addresses" thing. We stayed at the Coconut Grove Regency Hotel. On...the street where the Coconut Grove Regency Hotel was. Number Coconut Grove Regency Hotel. It's what we wrote as our address on our immigration forms, and it's what we told taxi drivers when we needed to get somewhere.

And about taxi drivers. Given this lack of clear addresses (navigation is by landmarks according to one Accra native we spoke to), it's very easy for strangers to town to get lost. But everyone's a stranger somewhere. In three out of four taxi rides, the driver had to ask for directions to take us where we were going. I found this experience unnerving, and after one particularly long evening came to the jaded and less than fair conclusion that hiring a taxi in Accra is just hiring another person to become as lost as you are. This isn't to say I was dissatisfied with the taxi experience overall, as one driver in particular was very upfront about the fact that he had no idea where we were going and did his best to keep in sight of the taxi ahead of us, which contained our friends who did know where they were going. Then the car in front of us at a taxi light did a driver switch in the middle of the road, holding us back, and we lost what my friend beside me had referred to as "the most stressful game of Concentration ever". We had no cell phones. This was our first ride ever in a Ghanaian taxi. In the end, we and our driver asked for directions.

*The sheer amount of advertising took me by surprise. I'm not sure if the quantity of billboards and signage is so much in excess of what you get in some parts of America (Los Angeles stands out for comparison in my memory--certainly rural Ghana has much more advertising than, say, rural Minnesota, which doesn't allow billboards at all). But what there was stood out to be because it was in a different style, and there was also advertising in places I didn't expect, and of things that I didn't expect.. When driving out of towns and villages there was frequently a "Farewell" sign, sometimes sponsored by an instant noodle company or phone service provider or the local congregation. The walls of houses, stores, compounds, and at least one hotel (not one we stayed at, though it might have been interesting) were painted with the colors and logos of IndoMie noodles, Glo Mobile or its competitor MTN, or Club beer, the last in bars especially. Also I think one street block was decorated in honor of a birth control device or prescription, in a gorgeously feminine purple with petal patterns. Offering your wall up for advertising seems an easy and affordable way to get someone to paint it, although I'm not looking forward to the day Americans figure this out. It seems the kind of thing that would get out of hand with us.

We also frequently passed 'advertisements' for funerals, which can be enormous, grand occasions in Ghana. They showed an image of the loved one, gave their name and nickname, age and dates, and the date and location of the event. Some notices were years old, so it was too late to attend, but they continued to provide a memorial to the deceased. I learned of the existence of dozens of people who seemed rather interesting, and it's a pity I won't ever know them or more about them.

*I knew it would be hot, but the heat was the sort you could never quite get used to. It always took you by surprise. "How do you function in 120 degree heat?" we'd asked our professor during orientation. "You don't," she told us. We spent a lot of time sitting or lying down in air conditioning when we could get it, and sitting or lying down fantasizing about air conditioning when we couldn't. We were lucky in that there were occasional cool breezes to revive us, and in light clothing and with plenty of water I was capable of participating in all our activities, including nature hikes, helping to open a village school, playing with the neighbor children, going on safari, and carrying water in a bucket on my head. Yet there were also times I almost fell asleep during speakers' presentations from exhaustion. To make matters stranger, I found out I can't sleep in extreme heat without at least a fan running to keep air moving. If the air isn't moving, I am. I fidgeted all the way through three nights at Mole National Park, where the motel lost power the first night of our arrival and never regained it. Mole is one of the hottest places on Earth. There was a thunderstorm in the middle of our afternoon safari, and we stayed on top of our open-air ride and let the drops fall on us. They were freezing cold, and we were deliriously happy.

Meanwhile, this week in DC it's 80 degrees. Combined with jetlag, I still can't function. That's part of the reason why this post is almost 5 days late.

*Disparities between rich and poor, I understand. They're hardly foreign to the US, and Washington, DC is an especially dramatic example. The side of town my dorm is at has some of the highest incomes in the country. Across the Anacostia, the majority of people live significantly below the poverty line. Yet in Accra you would find that same sort of wealth disparity in two homes side by side--a shack built behind the walls of a villa, the walls topped with broken glass. And the middle class seemed far less visible. They were in TV advertisements, eating at some of the more local restaurants we went to and shopping in the Accra mall, but I'm not sure which houses or apartments were theirs--I saw few that fit my American view of middle class, which my just be a function of my own expectations and/or the places we went to. Yet our guide, who helps plan and host tours throughout the country and has humbling amounts of historical and cultural knowledge (I don't think many Americans know as much about different aspects of their country as he did about Ghana) lives with his wife, a professional woman working in educational policy and in her early thirties, in a single room behind the bar his father owns, and frequently lacks running water and is not linked to the electric grid. As hard as it is to get ahead in the States, I don't expect to be living in a single room in my thirties, and if I am I will not be taking it as gracefully as they did.

*Things were startlingly inexpensive, with the exception of dining and alcohol at the hotels. Those were the sort of prices you can reasonably charge Western tourists. However, we had several memorable experiences with street vendors where what we thought was one cedi (or about 50 cents US) worth of goods turned out to be a fraction of that--we were paying for a bowl of mangoes instead of one, a string of peanuts instead of a single package. Taxi rides were five or fifteen cedits--$2.50-$7.00 US. I purchased a genuine kente-weave tie from a cooperative store for 7 cedis, and a basket that in the US would have been $35 at the cheapest was only 15 cedis. Quality did not suffer on the whole, although service in restaurants was very inconsistent with American expectations. And they were charging us the higher prices!

*I said that among Accra's buildings were many either under construction or falling apart, but to be honest I'm not certain about the falling apart bit. I played a game throughout the countryside--"Going up or coming down?"--trying to decide the state of the cement walls, shining blue glass panes, and metal or tile roofs that were in place but clearly not in use. At first I thought Ghana was full of ruins, but when I asked my professor she told me to guess "Going up" every time, as I'd be right. Construction is booming, but in many cases it's a slow boom. People go to work in the cities or sometimes abroad, and start building a new house back at home. They add on to it little by little as they have money to spare. Sometimes the process takes so long that trees begin sprouting in the rooms, adding to the appearance of ruin. Also, in some of the more urban areas it looked like people got impatient with the process and moved in to the ground floor while rooms higher up were still being constructed.

*So while there certainly wasn't much decay architecturally, the landscape did look ruinous in places for another reason: very little trash collection, almost no trash cans, and a lot, a lot of plastic and consumer waste, not to mention sewage (the sewers were for the most part open, and located where in the US you would have sidewalks. We learned to step around and over them). We saw a canal flowing through Accra was literally choked with black plastic bags and waste. All of it flowing out to the ocean. Even rural villages had areas of ground covered in refuse. It was unparalleled for me and disturbing. Nobody else seemed to notice, although areas meant to attract tourists and investment were usually better maintained.

*In general I do not enjoy the presence of children. They make me nervous. They are human beings, but they do not yet think or behave like the human beings I am most used to, and also they are fragile and I'm afraid I might break them if I hold their hands too tightly or try to pick them up only to prove incapable or, most fatally of all, try to communicate to them in words of too many syllables. Barring that, as a group they haven't learned social mores like 'be quiet in public,' 'don't be cruel to animals,' and 'don't take things that don't belong to you,' making them adorable miniature agents of chaos.

However, I really loved the kids I met in Ghana. They were more mature, quieter, more responsible, and more well-behaved. They were friendly, but they didn't seek attention in loud or disruptive ways. As my class was led through a village I might suddenly feel a little hand slip into mine, and look down to see a surprisingly grave face turned up to me. They were very happy to wave and be waved at when our bus drove past them (it made me feel a bit like a celebrity to see faces light up when I waved back, and I was glad to add some excitement to their days because, while many of them should have been in school, they were instead at work looking after livestock or their younger siblings or fetching and carrying water or firewood. It's an odd feeling to be enthusiastically saluted by a child who is obviously taking a break from heavy manual labor). Also, our professor, who specializes in early childhood development and education, ensured we were all equipped with bubbles so that we had something to do should we suddenly encounter a child and be in need of an icebreaker.

*Whatever my anxieties about children might be, I at least recognize them to be blown out of proportion. Monkeys, however...I was both more afraid and less afraid of primates that I should have been. I'm afraid of children because they resemble human beings I know best but are more difficult to communicate with. Monkeys even more so, plus they can bite you. The day before we visited the Tafe Atome monkey sanctuary horrible visions danced in my brain of a rabies-infected bite sending me home prematurely. I didn't want to miss the rest of my trip to Ghana, or did I like the thought of rabies or rabies shots. My professor didn't help with the warning that a monkey might jump on my back, although "They're less likely to do it if you aren't holding a banana" and she approved of the veneer of stoicism I promised to keep up.
It turns out the Tafe Atome monkeys were tiny, silky-furred, and interested in humans only as a vehicle for delivering bananas (which aren't supposed to be monkey food, but it's what the people running the sanctuary decided to feed them, so). I didn't hold bananas until the very end, when after watching everyone else beckon cute little harmless woodland creatures near them I decided my veneer of stoicism wasn't necessary after all. Two monkeys each grabbed half of my banana and ran off without a ghost of a whisper of physical contact. Much less rabies.

I've come around so far in regards to tiny primates that I befriended the little monkey kept in a cage at our beach resort in Cape Coast. It should not have been in that cage--he or she was far too intelligent to be left alone and without any source of amusement. I'd offer the monkey snacks from the corn cobs left, I think, for the purpose of feeding the parrots next to him. He seemed to enjoy the momentary amusement and would always chirp (like birdsong) when I walked by.

On the other hand, my class was mugged and then besieged in our motel rooms at Mole by a band of baboons. Primates are terrifying.

*On that note, the number of things that I did and which happened to me that I cannot tell my mother about is truly alarming. From visiting two 'slums' in Accra (I'm hesitant honestly to call it a slum, because while it was certainly very impoverished I don't want to imply anything unsavory about the people living there, who were hardworking, friendly, and were hanging out their Sunday wash to dry as we came through), to designating a pair of sneakers my 'walking-through-sewers-and-compost' shoes, to being besieged by baboons, to managing without running water for several days in a few of our motels and hostels. My mother, bless her, is a neatnick. I'm not, at least not anymore. You just come to stop worrying about it. I can objectively say the filthiest I have ever been in my life was the Kintopo Rest Stop, after 3 days in Mole with no air conditioning and little running water, after a 4 hour bus drive. It only really hit me when I used the offered water bowls and soap at the canteen to wash my hands. And then I bought myself some chocolate Fan Ice.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Spring Break

I've returned home to Wisconsin for one last visit with my family and to get ready for the trip to Ghana!

My mother and I spent yesterday running errands and picking up supplies. The above isn't everything we've got, but it's a good start. I'm especially pleased with the knee-length, flowing & cool, olive-colored skirt. It's modest for any events and speakers we'll be visiting in more conservative communities, but also rather pretty and it feels very nice! Of course, it'll be matched with a pair of old sneakers, as sandals are not a wise choice of footwear when traveling over rough terrain inhabited by the occasional venomous snake. 

Not shown: the copy of Les Miserables I walked down to Politics & Prose to buy on Saturday, in preparation for airplane reading. When I arrived in Milwaukee Sunday, my sister greeted me...with a copy of Les Miserables she'd bought at Renaissance Books. They're 2 different translations, but in the meantime we'll both be able to enjoy an unabridged copy. A few years ago she was really disappointed by an abridged version that cut out her favorite bits, so I thought I'd have to be a generous sister and loan her the copy I bought, but happily that won't be the case. There's enough of Victor Hugo's words to go around (collectively something like 2400 pages). 

The Doctor and I want to make sure my family makes good food choices, although my sister was very sad to hear Orange Roughy is on the 'red list' of fish that are harvested unsustainably. At least a cute face broke the news to her? 

My class flies out from JFK to Accra a week from tomorrow! 

Friday, March 1, 2013

Is Malaria really that bad?

Today I visited Capitol Travel Medicine of Arlington, Virginia to get my immunizations ready for the trip to Ghana. I'm giving the full name because you can consider this post a wholehearted endorsement; they were very pleasant and extremely helpful. Yellow Fever shots aren't the most painful thing in the world--mine ended with small welt and a lingering medicinal sting, the kind that reassuringly reminds you that you've just had a weakened but potentially deadly virus injected into your body. For your own good, of course.

But when it came to anti-malaria medications, I had a nasty shock. I'd already gotten a prescription through my doctor for what I thought, more fool me, was Malarone (the only antimalarial I was familiar with). Instead it turned out to be the cheaper option, Mefloquine/Lariam, taken once weekly. I'd heard that Malarone, when taken for a long time, gives you strange dreams. Nobody seemed very concerned, though, so when my mother read my prescription's side effects and seemed worried about them, I dismissed it as overprotective mom syndrome.

Even though the list--headache, dizziness, vivid dreams (by which they mean nightmares), insomnia (in conjunction with the nightmares?), central nervous system disturbances including not least anxiety and, my least favorite of all possible symptoms, psychosis; with the frankly unsurprising by this point conclusion of suicidal thoughts--was disturbing enough to make my sister ask, per the title of this post, "Is malaria really that bad?"

To ease everyone's minds, I asked the nurse practitioner at the clinic about the side effects. Minds were not eased. I'd figured the side effects were very rare, but the information sheet she had on malaria medication states that 20% of people taking lariam experience them. Now, 1 out of 5 is not a particularly desirable statistic even for dizziness and unpleasant dreams, but insomnia would completely ruin my trip and, God forbid, experiencing psychosis (or even living under the perceived threat of it) while on my first international trip, one for which I'm already preparing to be tested to my physical and mental limits...

Nope, never mind!

The cincher was when she told me that she would not recommend for her own family members that they risk any of those side effects while on their first trip abroad, especially since we'll be going to some remote areas. So she wrote up a prescription for the generic version of Malarone, which I'll be happily taking daily. Side effects are much rarer with it--she told me the placebo group tends to experience more symptoms than the group on the drug. A reassuring statistic but also head-tiltingly strange. If true, what does this imply? The placebo group experiences side effects through the power of suggestion, because they're expecting to experience some. However, wouldn't the group on the drug go in with those same expectations? Would this imply that Malarone has a dampening effect on the power of suggestion?

Perhaps there was a only a problem with the double-blind experiment's methodology. In any event, I'll be taking this miracle drug for a month or less, in contrast to the 9 weeks I'd be on the potential-psychosis meds. Easy choice, though I wince at the added cost, and also I'm not sure what to do with the malaria pills I will now not be taking. A part of me that I will surely suppress wonders how much I could make fencing them to a classmate with more a benevolent personal history with psychological side effects.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Hello World

This blog happens to be started in the midst of a crisis of identity for me. I've just recently graduated college and am finishing one last semester in Washington, D.C. before...what? I'm making the shift from student to young professional. I think that young professional's career will lie in the nonprofit sector, but anything more specific than that I'm still feeling out. In my time I've been a volunteer income tax preparer, a cashier, a library page, a volunteer member of an advocacy event planning committee, I've (wo)manned a booth selling Fair Trade items, and currently I'm working on an internship preparing a novel for publication.

One thing that's remained constant is the fact that I'm a writer. I've written since I could hold a pen--let's be realistic, since I could hold a crayon. I've written since before I could spell (don't we all, though). And I've written for publication since 2009, not counting the Fictionpress and Fanfiction.net accounts I created to share my writing with a nonpaying audience.

I write science fiction and fantasy, and occasionally what a reviewer will describe as horror, to my mock-dismay and secret pleasure (I read Lovecraft at a formative age). I've also a soft spot for love stories, and dabble in romance under a different name. My current project for this year is to finish revisions on my first completed novel, an urban fantasy story in the sense of an OddCon panelist whose name I no longer remember but whose words were, "The city has become the new forest." As the forests I write cannot be found on any real world map, neither can this city. To be fair, the real world cannot be found on any of this city's maps, either. And lots of other things cannot be found on this city's maps, but still share a world with it--there are too many secrets underneath its crystal streets and behind the brass-plated walls of its soaring towers.
(Do you see the Lovecraftian influence? Yes, I prefer the Dunsanian Dreamlands tales to the tentacle monsters. Though the occasional charnel wind that blows out the stars does haunt me.)

My first book, the science fiction novella Aqua Vitae, has been available from WolfSinger Publications for a little over a year now. It has even garnered 4 and 5-star reviews from people who don't know me (with the exception of my sister, Megan, Rysling Winner and all-around literary genius, most of my family aren't that interested in speculative fiction). I'm proud of it with a characteristically hesitant writer's pride, although the thought never ceases to nag me that I really ought to write a second book. Thus I am.

As for other projects, I continue to write short fiction as I have the past four years--in fact, I have plans for several short stories and novelettes that will round out the three or four short fiction series which have evolved over the years. Part of the reason I've finally gone and created a central author's site is so I can link to them in an order helpful to a casual reader who doesn't want to play detective.

I think that about does it for an introduction, as I've said about as much about myself as is appropriate for someone in an identity crisis. Other aspects of me--my (aiming to be intersectional) feminism, my fannishness (fenness?), the philosophy degree I've earned and will certainly use over the course of my life, though not in the conventional 'get a job, buy a car, meet a spouse and produce 2.5 kids' way--will appear as they become relevant.